His Highway Code is pure gold. It was in one of his columns from late 80s or early 90s, can’t find the correct book now to check exactly when. If this post is too long feel free to edit out the bottom half.
The Highway Code is a very useful document but only if you accept that all other road users are friendly,cheery and obedient types of characters. Which the aren’t.
So here is a real Highway Code for the real world.
A Flash Of The Headlamps:
Confusing, this, as it could mean any of four things: Hello. I am a friend of yours; Please feel free to pull out in front of me; Get out of your car and lets do pugilism; Look out, theres a Police radar trap ahead.
Much easier. if it’s a series of short toots, then somebody friendly is trying to attract your attention. Your response is an omni-directional wave. If it’s a prolonged burst, then somebody somewhere thinks your an onanist. Put your foot down and get out of there.
When the car in front is indicating left, beware. if it’s a Toyota with a large floppy aerial on the boot, then you are behind a taxi driver. A left-hand indicator could mean he is going straight on or right or even that he is not, in fact, going anywhere at all. what it definitely means is that he is NOT going left.
In towns, when at a multi-lane junction with traffic lights, never, ever pull up behind a Nissan Micra. The driver will still be searching for his long-distance spectacles when the lights go green. then he will forget do depress the clutch before trying to select first. then he won’t have the strength to disengage the handbrake.
Run them down. Pedestrians must learn that they don’t pay road tax and have no right to be milling around on something that isn’t theirs.
Run them down and to make sure, back up and run them down again. cyclists must be taught that they should stick to the side of the roadand not try and weave around in the middle of it. Some even believe they’re so fast that they’re not being an inconvenience. Run them down to prove them wrong.
Always give way to any vehicle that’s larger than yours.
When you encounter a sign saying speed cameras are in operation, you can be assured of one thing. There are no speed cameras for a hundred miles, yust a few grey boxes with flash guns in them. Drive very, very fast indeed to prove to the locals that their experiment isn’t working
When a Policeman apprehends you for using a phone while driving, explain that you can’t talk right now because you’re on the phone.
If, on a narrow road, a van is coming the other way, it is your responsibility to get out of the way. Unless you mount the kerb on your side of the road, and then park up in someones garden, the van will remove your door mirror. if this happens, don’t get out of your car. At best , the van won’t stop. in which case you’llhave wasted your time. at worst, it will stop. then four baboons will climb out and beat you up a lot.
Source : http://www.thetruthaboutcars.com/2011/12/jeremy-clarkson-is-a-pig-ugly-homophobic/